“Live is….?”
by Eddie Atsadang
Love doesn’t always bring happiness.
Sometimes, love brings suffering too.
Just like in the lyrics of “Photograph” by Ed Sheeran:
“Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing that I know
When it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive.”
Buddhism teaches that where there is love, there is suffering.
The more you love, the more you suffer.
Love less, suffer less.
No love, no suffering.
But why does life play this cruel joke on us?
Why does it give us love—both joy and pain—at the same time?
A lingering thought after Valentine’s Day.
The Perspective of Love in Buddhism
In Buddhism, it is often said: “Love is suffering. The more you love, the more you suffer. If you love little, you suffer little. If you do not love at all, you do not suffer at all. Wherever there is love, there is suffering.”
This does not mean that people should not love one another. Rather, it teaches that love should be given purely, with goodwill and without attachment to emotions, physical appearance, tastes, scents, sounds, or personal desires. Loving-kindness (Metta) is also a form of love, one that is selfless and unconditional.
The Four Types of Love in Buddhism (Piyaṅ)
Buddhism categorizes love into four types:
1. Sineha – Love that arises from desire, passion, and infatuation.
2. Piya – Love based on instinct, such as familial love.
3. Pema – Love formed through deep bonds and mutual support.
4. Metta – Love cultivated through moral development, which is selfless and does not seek personal gain.
The Nature of Love According to Buddhism
Buddhism teaches that love is:
• Impermanent (Anicca) – Love constantly changes; it is never the same.
• Suffering (Dukkha) – When change occurs, we struggle to accept it, leading to suffering. Also, separation from loved ones is inevitable and brings pain.
• Non-self (Anatta) – Love has no fixed self, as it is always changing.
This leads to the profound Buddhist realization: “The only certainty in life is uncertainty.”
True Love is Not Coincidental
True love does not happen by mere chance. It must be built, nurtured, and sustained through mutual effort. It is not something magically bestowed by fate or divine beings.
Buddhism teaches that love between a man and a woman arises from two causes:
1. Karmic connection from past lives – They were destined to be together due to shared merits from previous lives.
2. Mutual support in the present life – They care for and help each other in meaningful ways.
Either one or both of these factors contribute to the formation of love.
The Four Qualities That Create a Lasting Love
For love to be enduring and meaningful, both individuals should share four key virtues:
1. Faith (Saddha) – Mutual trust and belief in each other.
2. Morality (Sīla) – Ethical conduct and harmony in values.
3. Generosity (Cāga) – Selflessness and willingness to give and support each other.
4. Wisdom (Paññā) – A shared understanding of life and its deeper meanings.
When two people embody these qualities, they respect and care for each other, viewing their partner with kindness and without the desire to control or dominate. Their love grows deeper over time, leading to a truly harmonious and fulfilling relationship.
Such love is not just romantic love but a partnership of merit and virtue, much like the bond between Bodhisattvas and their devoted companions on the path to enlightenment.
